Monday, April 21, 2014

Operation Hoedown

Reposted from Sister Sister

If there’s one thing you all should have learned by now it’s that there is no limits to what people will or will not do. You’ve just got to find the right button and give it a little push, some harder than others. Drunken bar sluts have the easiest buttons of all. Hell a slight graze against their button and the panties will fall like a one legged man jumping rope. I’ve proven this theory time and time again in my countless nights of pouring shots and drinks into my would be victims. When it comes right down to it sluts go to bars the same reason Christians go to church, they just want to feel loved. They don’t give a fuck that it will only be for probably one night or in some cases could turn into a few years. They want it, hell some of them actually need it to feel better about themselves or to know that for just one night somebody wants them. It doesn’t matter that more often than not they will never get a phone call after that night or that no friend request will be sent on Facebook or Twitter. So this all leads up to the night I’m going to tell you about. Remember SLUTS HAVE NO CONSCIOUS OR MORALS!!!

Me and a group of dudes caught the train to downtown Chicago one Friday afternoon after we were done with school. We catch a cab to a hotel and all check into our own rooms because we had a bet on who could pull the most ass for the weekend. Everybody gets dressed and we all meet downstairs in the hotel bar for a few shots before we head out on Operation Hoedown. We get to talking with the bartender and ask him where all the sluts hang out on this side of town and he tells us about a few places to try. We pound a few more shots of Cuervo and start to head out for the night. Our plan was we could all split up or do whatever it would take to conquer bitches but we had to stay in at least teams of two. We didn’t do that for any kind of safety reasons we did it because somebody had to verify the number was true and with the amount of money we had on the line someone was bound to try and cheat. We start to head out and I go to pay my tab when the bartender tells me that he’s heard us talking about our mission. He goes on to tell me that the very bar I am standing in will be crawling with ass around eleven that night when all the cougars come out to play. Folks this is the kind of knowledge you can gain when you tip a bartender well. Let that be a fucking lesson. Bartenders are usually your best source for anything you want to know when you’re in an unfamiliar city. I had one buddy that was always a damn good wing man and we always worked well together. No cock blocking and both of us were willing to fuck a fatty if it meant the other one got some prime. I call McNasty over and tell him that we are going to leave like everyone else and just go around the block and double back. The bartender had already been tipped well so we are guaranteed good drinks the rest of the night and the place will be crawling with ass later. He agrees so we set off with the rest of the boys. We get to the end of the block and the others for some reason think we will have better odds if we stick together. Me an McNasty tell them we are going to go on a recon mission at another bar and if it looks promising we will give them a call. They agree and we go our separate ways. Me and Nasty stop in a little Irish pub and grab a drink just to give those guys time to get a little farther away from our killing grounds. The last thing we needed was for one of them to have to come back to the hotel and see us in the bar. About an hour later we head back and sure as hell there was already a few soccer moms starting to filter into the place. We cop a squat at the bar and start to survey the scene. There’s the typical bar whores mixed with the chicks who are having “a much needed girls night out”. Yeah we all know what that means. They need a break from their depressing ass lives of kids and minivans to feel young and slutty again.

We’re drinking and bullshitting with a few chicks when my boy does the impossible. He tells the girl he’s talking to what our plan is and that he wants her to be the first one. I’m expecting him to either get a drink poured on him or slapped, I was wrong. She grabs his hand and tells him to take her to his room. Well played you motherfucker. Now I’m sitting at the bar with that girls three friends and they are all standing around looking confused. I’m just the right amount of drunk and not giving a fuck so I look at the two hottest ones left and tell them I’m not going to be outdone by my boy so all three of us need to go to my room. They didn’t even get to answer before the third one says what about me. She may as well have had loves to fuck tattoo’d on her forehead at that point. Not wanting to give her the upper hand I calmly looked at her and said what about you? She tells us that she’s not staying in the bar alone while the three of us go upstairs to my room. I told her that if she buys the next two rounds of drinks she can go too. One of the hotter ones gets all offended that I wouldn’t include the slightly cute one in the party so she says I can go fuck myself and she will stay in the bar with her friend. I laughed and looked at the slightly cute one and told her she had just been moved to the starting line up. Off me and two of them go and leave the bitch with the attitude sitting in the bar all alone. We go by Nasty’s room just so he can verify what I’m up to and then proceed to my room. I’m feeling pretty good at the moment so I decide to make second string feel special and tell her she’s first. She tells me we will have to go to the shower because she is having lady problems. WHAT THE FUCK? Why would you volunteer to play the game knowing your ass was injured? I politely tell her that’s not going to happen and she can wait downstairs with the other friend while me and the last hope chick take care of business. Not a fucking chance. The third bitch has enough of how I’m talking to her friends so she tells me to go fuck myself too. Great. I just went from a potential three run lead to striking the fuck out with the bases loaded. Now I’m sitting here thinking do I tell my boy or do I not. He’s already had proof that I went to my room with two chicks so I could be an asshole and let him keep thinking that. I decide that there is too much money on the line to give up points so I am going to let him keep thinking it. WRONG. I walk out into the hall and see the two sluts standing at his door telling him the whole damn story. I just smile and walk over and listen as they get to the part about her having issues. This motherfucker does what I should have done and says he has no problem with it and they are welcome to come jump in the shower with him and the first chick. Son of a bitch. My boy just went up three to nothing. I tuck my tail and take the elevator ride of shame back down to the lobby and the bar. I get there and attitude bitch is sitting there looking confused as hell about where her friends are. I tell her the story and she laughs and buys me a drink. We sit there chatting for a bit when I man the fuck up and try again. No dice. She informs me that had I not been a dick to her friend I could have had all three. Lesson learned I guess. McNasty comes strolling back into the bar about an hour later with his three run lead laughing his ass off as he tells me what I’ve missed. Thanks buddy, thanks a fucking lot. We sit there and hang out with these chicks for a bit more before we start to wonder around from one group of chicks to the next. We finally end up hanging out with a bachelorette party. They have the standard bullshit checklist of slut dares to finish before they can consider their night a success. We help them out with a few of their items and tell them we are in a mission ourselves. They are drunk enough to think they can help us so we are fucking golden. I’m sitting between two girls that happen to be sisters. One is pretty cute and the other is obviously the one who got to the dinner table first. I’m focusing on the skinny one and talking shit but occasionally will turn and talk to hefty. Skinny is eating out of the palm of my hand at this point. The next thing I know she takes my hand and slides it under her skirt to show me she’s not wearing underpants of any kind. Fuck yes!!! If there’s one thing I should learn to do it would be to remember the chicks name I’m talking to when I’m drinking. I have a habit of using words like cutie or some other bullshit title when I’m talking to them because I suck at remembering or caring what their names are when I’m drinking. I’m sitting there two knuckles deep in this chick and can’t remember her name for shit so I just ask sweetie if she wanted a drink. She jokingly laughs and ask if remembered her name. I said fuck yes I did and got up before she made me prove it. I’m standing at the bar waiting when hefty walks up beside me. In my mind it made sense but looking back now not so much. I fucked up and asked her what her sisters name was like she was on my team and shit. Mistake. She tells me and goes back to the table. I hit the pisser on the way back feeling good about myself. I make it back to the table and everything is the same as when I left. Skinny takes my hand and puts it right back where it was and looks at me smiling and says ok smartass what’s my name? I’m all cocky and shit because I still think I know it and her sister wouldn’t ever do anything to fuck up my night. I told her the name her sister had given me at the bar and she smiles. She leans over and whispers in my ear “do you feel how good it is down there”. I said hell yes. She hits me with “well remember it because its the last time you get anywhere near it because you just called me by my moms dogs name”. What the hell???? Yep. Her sister had not only told me the wrong name on purpose but she had told her sister all about our little chat at the bar. Fuck me damn it!!! She slides my hand out and tells me to go fuck myself. How many times can one guy be told that in one night? I’m clearly not getting anything from this group of chicks tonight since they all know what just happened so I go and sit at the bar and lick my wounds. A little while later hefty walks over to get a drink and laughs about it all. I do not feel like dealing with her shit so I tell her to fuck off. She tells me that it’s not her fault I suck at remembering people’s names that I was trying to fuck. We spar it out verbally for a few minutes when she pulls off the greatest whore move of all time. She tells me that she isn’t as uptight as her sister and she didn’t give a damn if I remembered her name or not because after she was done with me that night I would damn sure remember it tomorrow. Really lady? You just cock blocked me with your sister and now you’re telling me that you’re gonna fuck me! Whores have no boundaries they won’t break to get what they want. She tells me that her group is getting ready to leave and as soon as they do we are going to my room. Who am I to argue with that? I’m as fucked up as a ran over dog at this point so my asshole side is in control. I walk over to skinny sister and tell her I’m about to fuck hefty sister and that she missed out. I don’t know when I will learn to quit while I am ahead but I hadn’t learned it at that point. She asks hefty if I was telling the truth and they get into an all out argument about how skinny sister has always gotten first dibs on whatever she wanted and how she’s played second fiddle her whole life. Yadda yadda yadda. Feeling pretty good about myself I grab hefty by the hand and tell her she can take her anger out while she rides me. She looks at skinny and says “I’m about to fuck him like I did your exhusband”. Skinny is standing there in complete disbelief as me and hefty walk to the elevator and go up to my room. I ended up coming in dead last with only one point that weekend but let me tell you one thing folks…….I still remember Alicia Michelle N€#£€¥’s full name.



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